Looking back on my previous article, I was ever so confident I had accepted my journey with cancer and could deal with it assuredly. It is now Saturday January 9th, 2016, I am writing this chapter of my life and the emotions that surface when faced with unexpected news about one’s health. I must say that I am enraged over my recent pathology prognosis which will demand a total remake of my life plans. Four months ago through scans and ultra sound, the cancerous tumor was estimated to measure 1 cm. The surgeon explained this early detection would only require removal through surgery and most possibly a need to undergo radiation therapy as a preventive measure. At the time, accepting the cancer was not easy but was acceptable. I therefore set myself up to readily conquer my world. I perceived the Universe gave me a little hick-up to reflect on my life and that re-alignment with my mission here on Earth was required. But on Friday January 8, in consultation with my surgeon, I then learned that the tumor was bigger than expected; the pathological examination had confirmed a tumor of 2.5 cm. Consequently, the treatment has changed to chemotherapy and radiation. I am assured it is a preventive measure but a necessary one.
Decidedly, to move forward I need to adjust my life commitments to accommodate my healing time. As a self-employed consultant, my first concern while undergoing treatment will be probable shortened work weeks, whereupon making daily adjustments to better deal with the incoming workload is expected as my output will affect my finances at months’ end. Second, my activities pertaining to Women’s Expressions weigh considerably on a very busy schedule. The ongoing preparation of the annual calendar and books were my top priorities for 2016. For the past eight months, I have been preparing the goddess costumes with photoshoots to appear in the forthcoming calendar. My goal will now have to be met in a more relaxed timeframe.
My life is now being changed drastically. I am thankful that my husband insisted on accompanying me for this consultation at the hospital, the surgeon was to provide the results from the lab. My first reaction to the clear-cut news was that it was surreal. It couldn’t be true. Not me! I didn’t want to be alone — my husband and I took a long stroll down the hall of the nearest shopping mall. I needed to clear my mind to see the meaning of it all. I felt numb again, I was not quite myself. Then, I realized that I have all the support one can have, at this point that is very important. Trying to de-dramatize the whole situation by saying I was going to wear a pink wig, I made a few phone calls in an attempt at joking.
A few hours later, after enjoying a great meal with my husband, the rage started to swell. I questioned the powers above: What am I to do? That night, I visited my very best friend Ginette who has supported me through all my hardships. My rage spilled over. Communicating with the Universe, I was clear in saying that this challenge is my last for this lifetime. I will commit to whatever trial is next but there will be no more after this one. Life will not tell me when I need to leave, but should another such challenge present itself, I will then take on the decision. Questions and worry revolve in my mind, I haven’t slept very well as here I am writing this article at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday. I first thought to write it in my personal Journal but decided it was best to communicate my ordeal to other women; perhaps if it reaches one person who has to go through this phase, she will know that she is not alone.
As I recall from my last night’s conversation, Ginette was trying to convince me that there is a huge survival rate for women who develop cancer. Some women have had recurring cancers and came out of treatment living a healthy life she said. But, at that moment her encouragement didn’t do it for me. I was overwrought with rage, making sense was doubtful at best. I believed life had given me enough challenges that so far I had managed to pull through with courage, strength and positive attitude. It looks like I am running out of all these qualities.
Perhaps it is normal to go through rage at some point. So here I am, I cannot help but cry as I write this article with profound emotion, acceptance is difficult. In conversation with my friend I quote no truer words; “you don’t know what it’s like until you really live it…” I now need some alone time in order to digest it all.
I am hoping one day, I will be able to become a speaker for this cause, to empower those who are going through cancer healing and say what it really means for us to be surrounded by great people who support us through it all. Thank you one and all for being with us no matter what; sometimes we are not in our best behaviour and yet you manage to stick with us.
Today, I am planning to relax, to better absorb the whole ball of wax. Though I am currently still in shock, I will be ready for my next step. My meeting with the oncologist will reassure me of the order of things and perhaps next week, I will be more at ease to start planning around the upcoming treatment sessions. It is my hope to return to a normal life thereafter… Minutes after finishing this article, my husband read my daily horoscope. It says to “take a step back and consider what I can do to improve my attitude. A little soul searching will help me see things clearer”. Isn’t it remarkable how messages come to you at the most opportune time!
Article by Jo-Anne
Edited by Flo D.